not so new fad

I was having a discussion with a family friend last week at some party and it somehow kinda killed my spirit. As in his outlook on our women just made me begin to wonder just how bad the situation really was. The situation I am talking about is the whole fad of dating aristoz, most of whom are married. He explained to me that a lot of women prefer married men because they are already established and they usually have enough cash to spend on their needs. Now he was telling me about an incident that occured the day b4, his friend had about 6 girlfriends in one location, mind you his friend is very married and they all knew this. So I kept asking questions, trying not to sound too naive and his take was, thats just the way it is. He attributed a lot of infidelity to this trend, he said sometimes, they bring girls, line them up and they have their pick, I asked if they were prostitues, and he said no, that most are from good homes and most are just greedy and lazy.

My experience with our women has always been empowering, I am surrounded by hardworking, independent naija women so its almost like whats soo different. do they have two heads, are opportunities not there. I remember growing up, there was this sense of pride associated with being a naija woman. We are the ones you had to work twice as hard just to date, the end results was always worth it. We were the independent ones that backed our men and did not mind building from scratch, or so i was led to believe. Maybe i was raised in a bubble of denial or maybe they were trying to protect us from reality or maybe this is really a new thing that just keeps getting worse.

As of a few yrs back I knew such a thing as aristos existed but I just did not realize how bad the situation was. I guess I never really took the time out to analyze the situation but now that I am my heart breaks. Now i know why these pot bellied old ass men, old enough to be my father have so much confidence as to send someone to give me their card. Hey if it works on other women why wont it work on her abi? Our ladies need empowerment, and they need it badly and they need it now. The world does not revolve around money and your pride is something you can never buy back. Before you kill me for generalizing, not all are like this o, and I am hoping its the minority of women, a very small percentage that do all these “RUNS”, yeah yeah there is even a name for it.. lol.. Runs girls, or Club girls.. hehe, you live and learn. Like I said b4, i know tons of hardworking independent naija women who stay grounded and have never seen the boxer shorts of an aristos even with their corner eye but for the ones that have why?

Maybe its a clickish thing, like follow follow, you know if your friends are doing it then why not. Maybe the situation in naija really is that bad, maybe there is some sort of fun derived from sleeping with men three times your age for cash, ah let me take that back, these days they do not even have to be old, so far the money is rolling in, you qualify as an aristos. Hey so I guess my man could technically be an aristos, hahaha that would be hilarious!!!! “Errm so what if you are with toni payne, send me credit jor” and “so what if you have to fly down to paris to join toni payne, i beg my house rent is due and i need to go shopping” hahahaha, the man would run faster than his legs can take

the sad part is, its not just my family friend that sees things this way, its like general knowledge. I want that image of the naija woman back, so next time I sit and talk with any man, he would never have the mouth to say our girls will do anything for the good life, oh yeah including bringing a friend along.

I know things will get better, I have faith in us, I know my children will see the women in my generation the way I saw the women in my parents and grandparents generation. There are certain things in this life that can never be bought and those things include dignity, esteem, and self worth. They cant sell that in the market. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes but there are certain mistakes that can be corrected if the person wishes it so.

Anyhoo, thanks to all for the birthday wishes. I truly appreciate it.. Gracias!!!

14 thoughts on “not so new fad

  1. It’s really a sad issue,we had girls in Unilag who would have extra years just so they can continue their aristo runs.As long as we have greedy and lazy girls,they would always turn to aristos for the quick and “easy” money.Some don’t even see the harm in it…

  2. really its saddening to the fact that its irritating but the thing is “its the normal thing” u’ll hear any naija babe say.but like u i wish these things change.naija ladies”young girls” most especially shd see their two hands,two legs and brain not just as elements to beautify their whole physical being but they are instrument God as endowed each an every1 of us wth to be the WHO we wish to BE if only we are willing to.
    I wish to see women who will not wait for father,brother,uncle,nephew,brother-in-law,
    father-in-law or husband before things happen in their lives…
    Infact Toni,its a real “wahala” in the lives of our naija girls,infact at this/that point (im talking of some 6yrs ago bcos im talking abut when i used to live in naija,not to talk of now)we need divine intervention if not naija ladies/women will forever lose thei r dignity and respect which is wat we stand for!

  3. congratulations on your wedding. though niyi tabiti did not mention names i knew it was you. congrats

  4. Toni, my dear sister. It is a vicious cycle. It is the same men that are dishing out the money, making mockery of the women are the same men that when a woman wants to better her life by doing sthg positive with it, will slyly, cunningly and downright to her face, stop it. Their excuses by their actions and sometimes, sayings are that, “it is a man’s world.”

    For example, a woman would want to act in a movie or she’s damn (pls, excuse my french) good at the roles that she plays, they would term her “a prostitute.” A woman would have a high/top position in the corporate world they would call her “bitch,” “boss lady,” “dyke,” “lesbian,” “man wannabe,” all sorts of names behind her back just to discredit her. Another typical bullshit (oh Toni, i’m so sorry, my language) from some men is the issue of sexual harrassment at the workplace. Harrassing them just to put them down, thereby, leaving them confused, miserable, depressed with no-one to talk to as their thoughts would be, “no one would believe me.” A woman would start up a business, if the man is not involved in the day-to-day affairs of the business, he would feel slighted and run his mouth behind madam. And people would now say that oga is the nice man and madam is wicked or that oga is better than madam.

    Oh! Pls, excuse me, must madam be telling oga what to do every now and then, can’t oga use his initiative. (O nwere ihe mere ya na-aka. Is anything wrong with his hands?).

    A woman has her female friends that come up to her for advice because they admire and look up to her, and they enjoy her company – like spending time with her. The man will become insecure start making jest of her and belittling her. Is he a woman, for starters, why become jealous of her excellent character trait? Why can’t he encourage her? Can’t the man take the cue and do the same with his boys?

    Pls, everything i have mentioned does not apply to all men and neither to all women but to some men and women.

    Toni, these are some behavioural character defects in men towards successful or want to be successful women that makes the women involved not want to attempt to do anything in the area of success – rather they choose to depend on those type of men for their daily support. As they don’t want to be tagged, “uncontrollable,” and they also, feel, “what’s the point?”

  5. I agree with ur FF. There is a high % of our ladies in search of married men cos de feel de r established and wont give dem too much stress. In d beginning i tot it was gossip but a friend of mine who is married told me of an icident dat happened to him. He was visiting abj for buisness and was staying at a hotel in wuse 2, he walked out to buy credit and had a car pull up next to him, it was a lady and she axd if she cld give him a ride,he said he declined cos he was already at d hotel so she parked n de started talkin. She now axd if he would like her to go down on him right dere or in his hotel room. He refused cos he is married, she had earlier said she was married too and to top it up SHE WAS PREGNANT!!!! She was driving a nice car and her hubby had just travelled to d states for a week. Since he refused her she now offered to give him her friend who works in a bank. I tot he was lying wen i saw him 2 days afta d incident and den he called her n she started yakking blah blah n was offerin anoda friend. Dis happened in 2003. I tink 9jn women need to see pass material tins. You need to close ur ears wen u hear wat university gals r up to now cos dis one don pass runs gals.
    Gosh!! I av ova typed, lol!! I really know 1 way solution PRAYER, cos SOME (not all) of our ladies r neck deep in trying to acquire wealth by hook or by crook.

  6. well said TP. Its an issue that absolutely gets to me to be honest and i pray it all changes by the time some of us have lil girls(children). Naijas have always looked at the western world as the negative influence but now I believe its very much the reverse case.

    Girls of as little as 14/15 with open eye lol doing runs too. Lawd Goddd we need help. Serious prayers…..

  7. hmmm dis is a real serious issue dat keeps growing, its alarming!some older guy even advised me dat these aristo chics marry the best guys…that i know is very true. wen we start to question and frown at certain sources of income/wealth that these girls flaunt around then there’ll be a solution in sight. married women are very involved in this too just to be able to wear $4000 dress or carry $2000 bag etc that they see others wearing and forgetting that gal A’s father is a money bag. its all about cutting your dress according to your cloth not your size….

  8. Wow. I guess I’m just as Naive as you Tony, never realized it was this bad in Nigeria. I still remember when I was younger and my mom will threaten shipping me to Naija because the kids there are untarnished Gold. LOL.
    I’ve not been back, but I’ve heard stories and I guess it’s still kind of hard to believe because every lady around me (from my mom, to sisters, to friends) are just far from what I hear about Naija girls.

    Maybe the situation in Nigeria is really that bad, because I refuse to believe that they don’t have self worth
    The thought of sleeping with a man twice my age is so Ewwwww! LOL. (excuse my elementary school expression). Married man for that matter? won’t guilty conscience just hunt you?

  9. Bummi is right………alot of them just want to live like their next door neigbor……I don’t admire all those Gucci Bag carrying gals abeg…..

  10. toni please where can we find the gongo aso cd in the us. i just watched a live performance on nta and it was awesome. thanks

  11. Its very sad. A friend of mine recently went to naija, and he told me that majority of the girls he talk to were either in a relationship with a married man or they will only date you if u have a lot of money. I brought up the topic to another friend of mine like why do u think they are doing that. She said everything is hard in naija, so they want easy money to take care of themselves, and also some of them just want to live the big life,so they all about material things.

  12. TP, some of us haven’t been home for years and thus have little connection … so PLEASE WHERE CAN WE BUY 9ine’s album in the US???

    I really really like his cd. Can’t find it on Itunes, Amazon, and usual 9ja websites.

    I will be back to check for updates. Thank You:)

Leave a Reply