How to Lose a Man in 10 days [PART 2] 10 easy steps to make your boo break up with you

So last week, all in the name of fun, I did a satirical post on “How to Lose a Woman in 10 days. 10 easy steps to make her break up with you”[You can find it HERE].  After sharing the post, a lot of the men who read it thought I was being unfair and asked that I do a female version. So, here it is. What was interesting about my last post was that some men actually took it serious, one man said he couldn’t do these things to someone he loves so he is sorry he cant take the advice [lol]. While I found it a bit funny that he did not see that it was a satire till I explained further,  ladies, let me just say, please , if you intend to keep your man, do not try any of the things listed below, in other word, do the exact opposite. If you have no interest in keeping your man, still try and break up with him peacefully.  oh! a few folks requested for an audio version of my posts. If i have enough requests, I may just put one out. Now, onto the post… Here are 10 easy steps to make him break up with you.

 

10. 360 Degree Character:  There is nothing more confusing than dealing with a moody woman. One day she is sweet, the next day she is blowing a gasket. It’s not only confusing but also tiring. So if you know you want your man to walk away. Blow hot or cold every chance you get. Try to make it as frequent as possible. He will get tired soon enough and leave you to your madness.

9. Do not give him peace of mind: Men love a woman who gives them peace of mind. So, if you know you have no interest, as soon as he walks in from a long day of work, start a fight. The fight doesnt have to have substance. It could be something as small as why he did not kiss you when he walked in, or why is he 1 millisecond late for your dinner date. Get very angry for the dumbest reasons. Allow him go and find that peace elsewhere and your job in driving him away is done. 

8. Noodles should be your best friend: Baby whats for breakfast?Noodles! Baby, whats for lunch? Noodles! Baby, whats for dinner? Noodles! Please no garnishes allowed. Just cook indomie, top ramen or whatever bran you prefer as plain as can be everytime he asks for food. If you wish to go a step further, do not include the seasoning. Nothing like unflavored noodles to tell a man you are no longer interested. If he attempts to eat elsewhere or cook, unleash the emotional blackmail, you know “so you dont like my cooking?” Add tears if you have to. One day he will get tired of eating noodles Monday to Sunday, morning, noon, and night and run for his dear stomach’s life.

7. Who needs a bath?: Now, there is nothing more turn off-ish than a dirty woman. If you know you want that man to say bye bye, please stop bathing, if you are brave enough, don’t just stop bathing, do not change your undies either. Make sure he knows you have not had your bath or changed your underwear in about a week or so, else it is pointless. Seduce him with the funk, if he asks you to go and bathe, simply refuse. Take me as is or don’t take me at all kinda thing, you know.. If this doesnt send him into relationship coma, then his beliefs about hygiene need to be evaluated.

6. Cop a degree in NAGiology: Yes boss!. One of the infamous turn offs for men is a woman that nags, so if you want your man to kick you to the curb, nag nag nag. Please you don’t need a specific topic to nag about. Just nag about anything and everything. If you are confused about what to nag about, here are a few options; you can nag about his shoes, the way he eats, why he went to work, why he is breathing that way, why he is smiling, why he is wearing a shirt, why you hate all his friends, even his family, why he doesnt want 10 kids and you do, the topics are endless. If you do not need that man, nag him out of your life.

5. Take away his sports: Let me start by saying not all men are into sports, but if you have one that is, you have to plan this step very carefully. First off, know when his favorite team is playing, times and dates, keep a detailed log and make sure you create activities for you two at these same times and dates. He may be polite about it initially but don’t be discouraged, if you keep it up, that politeness may turn to goodbye-ness.

4. Don’t put your back into it: This is assuming you are sexually active. If you are, everytime you guys do the do, lay there like a log of wood. Even if the d’ is good, you better close your eyes and picture yourself having sex with Sloth from the Goonies. If you do not know who I am talking about, check below..

Sloth goonies how to lose a man
Sloth from The Goonies

No movement, moans or enjoyment allowed. If he complains, brush it off like you don’t know what you are doing. Tell him you will get better and when the time comes for intimacy, perform even worse.

3. Cheat: Ill give the same advise i gave to the guys here.  Like I said to the guys, this is the fastest way to drive your boo away. To make it even better, men are not as tolerant of cheating as women, they just do it more.  It’s like a do as I say, not as I do type of situation and we know the outcome of those. If you really want him out of the picture for good, make sure you leave clues to your philandering ways. Giggle while BB chatting with another man,  in fact let your side dude drop you off at your mans house. If he is wise enough, he will figure it out and more than likely leave your cheating behind.  Presto! Freedom!

2.  Don’t give him space: Smother him with attention. They say men and women need alone time. Do not, absolutely do not allow him have time to himself, time with his family or his friends. If he wants to take a shit, follow him and offer to hold the toilet paper. If he insists on a night out alone with the boys, throw on your cap and insist you are coming as “one of the guys”. Who needs privacy when he has you. Pick his calls, answer his BB chats, make sure you have all his passwords so you can bombard his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google+ with pictures of you and him. Show him who owns him 24/7 and he will eventually show you the door.

1. Slobbering does magic: Yeah there is this rumor that men love good kissers and a bad kisser is a turn off. Well, if you know you are no longer interested in that man, use this rumor to your advantage.  Here is how you do it, make sure when he reaches out to kiss you, control that kiss, gather up enough saliva and slop his face. You do not have to have a big mouth to do this, just be clumsy with the mouth. Throw in a tongue bite, a teeth smash and make sure while slobbering, you hit the tip of where his mustache is/should be. Take the whole mouth in, yeah, get that face wet with your  saliva. Yeah it may be gross the first time but hey, I never said it would be easy to drive that man away. If he complains, make sure the next time is even worse. If he avoids kissing you, use steps 6 and 9. Soon enough he will, like magic, disappear!

If you try all these steps and he is still with you…… ok let me stop there, I don’t think such a man exist, but if he does, please hold on to him for he is a rare breed.

FIN!

Toni Payne

Author: Toni Payne

Toni Payne is a creative writer, poet, voiceover artist, media personality and entrepreneur. She enjoys writing inspirational quotes, short stories, and poetry about various topics from romance to self-love. She also does voiceover readings of short stories and flash fiction on her podcast and writes travel, exotic cars and beauty lifestyle articles. At her leisure, she writes musings about pop culture, entertainment, relationships and more.

12 thoughts

    1. if you can read well, you will get the joke. She is telling women what they should not do, indirectly. I blame Jakande schools for your comment

  1. Pure hilarity. Toni you are a character. I have not been in the office up to an hour and I am getting stares for laughing out loud

  2. @Akanbi shes not teaching gf to leave their bfs.
    I will happily.take down notes if i was in a bad relationship and dude has refused to let me be…shikena.
    Nice read. I laughed allll through.

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