As far as I know, I have never met anyone who says they want to get married so that they can get divorced. I believe life has no blueprint and as much as we may not like it, things like divorce happen. When two people decide to go their separate ways, it may be one sided or a mutual agreement. Either way, it does not change the fact that a union is coming to an end. It also does not change the fact that it may be a painful experience for one or both parties so it is wise to be sensitive to other people plights.
About Divorce Shaming
In certain parts of the world like Nigeria, divorce shaming is very common. I believe the biggest culprits of divorce shaming are women to other women. If you live in a part of the world where divorce shaming is not common, thank your lucky stars because if you are not strong, these negative minded people can break you if you allow them to. The key is not to allow vile people control how you reason. Seeing divorce shamers go on is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. You almost want to analyze their brain to see if something went missing along the way.
Men also get divorce shamed but no where near as close to women. Also, when divorce shamers carry on with their ignorance, the number one thing they are quick to do is call the woman names and blame infidelity. This baffles me considering the fact that the number 1 reason marriages end all over the world is due to lack of communication. In Nigeria, from the way some carry on, it would seem infidelity is the number one reason unions end, but since there are no real valid statistics to prove that, I will digress, but from my experience, in Nigeria, men are more likely to cheat than women, but women are more likely to get blamed for a marriage or relationship coming to an end. Complicated huh?
How Divorce Shamers Reason
According to some, a woman whose marriage or relationship did not work out should never have an opinion. According to some even if the divorce is not your fault, the mere fact that you are divorced or your relationship did not go as planned is good enough reason to hide your head in shame forever, a reason to cast yourself into a deep abyss where you wallow in self pity, a reason to never have a life!
Then you wonder why a lot of women and men stay in horrid marriages. You wonder why women and men who are abused would rather take the abuse than be seen as divorced. A failed union does not equate a failed life. Some people could really use that fresh start but never get it because of what others may say and this to me is very foul. The irony in all this is that divorce shamers say what they say and carry on with their lives. Half of them can not take what they dish out.
Let me make this very clear to those who engage in the vile act of divorce shaming, getting a divorce or relationships coming to an end can happen to anybody. It is one of those life’s “bad” “not so rosy” things that happen. You can not 2 million percent say, “oh I know my husband or wife so well, he or she will never leave.” You can only pray, hope, and work on keeping the love alive and the union together.
You can not force someone to stay if they wish to leave. You can not force love so therefore, you should never mock anyone whose relationship ended because yours could be next. The truth about divorce is that it has been happening for hundreds of years. These women easily forget that they may one day be in the same position because no matter how much we hate to admit, you can’t predict what will happen tomorrow. I have seen 30 year old marriages go down. As sad as it may be, these things happen.
Divorce as a Last Resort
Personally I think divorce should be the last resort. Think about it, you don’t divorce your siblings or parents for minor things. If communication is the number 1 reason for divorce then I feel a lot of marriages could be saved but remember, it takes two. Both parties have to want to save their union. I always say when people see their partner as family, truly, and not just by mouth, then the option to discard them easily may not cross their mind so willingly.
Now, let me say, not all relationships have minor issues. Some actually have major issues that can sometimes turn into a very bad situation so people must really know when to walk away. If you stay where you are not happy because of what people will say, these same people will not sacrifice their life for you, so you have to sort your happiness out without worrying about opinion.
If they have kids, it becomes more complicated. Some people stay in their marriages because of their kids. I feel like, if the issues they have are minor, then they should go for it and work things out, but if the issues they have are major like abuse, then it is in the best interest of those kids to part ways.
I always say, when you choose a partner, make sure you are able to tolerate their vices. Never pick a partner whose vices you know you cannot handle. Some men or women are ok with cheating partners, some are not. The truth is we are all different and how we react to life’s challenges will be influenced by those differences. The ultimate goal however is happiness and at the end of the day you have to do what you can to live a happy, peaceful and fulfilled life, even if it means moving on from a union.
Why I can never be divorce shamed
Personally I can not and will never allow myself to be divorce shamed. If someone says to me, “be quiet, aren’t you divorced?” I can never take such a person seriously because I see them as ignorant and lacking in wisdom. If I do not take you seriously, your opinion pretty much does not matter.
Maybe knowing I was never at fault and did my best helps me beat my chest and not feel any guilt but even if you are in a situation where you gave up easily or you were at fault, no one has the right to make you feel bad or hold on to your past.
Everyone has the right to move one from relationship mishaps. Never allow anyone put you down for situations in life that were beyond your control. I may be stronger than some in how I see situations like this so if you are that one person that allows people negative opinions shape your life, stop it now!
I seldom discuss my past union outside of defending myself if I am accused falsely. I have made it a point not to feel bad because someone decided the best way to live their life is without me. It ceases to be my problem so why carry it on my shoulder? If you are in these shoes, it is time to see life from a positive perspective.
There is hope after a broken relationship
This message is for any man or woman going through a divorce, separation or even a relationship coming to an end. Life does not end with a divorce or separation. If it did, there would be no such thing as second or even third marriages. People move on and hook up everyday. One love lost is another one found. If life ended with a relationship coming to an end, you would not see older people dating and getting married. How you wish to view things is up to you. You can choose to be sad and you can choose to live life beautifully.
If the divorce or relationship ending is one sided and you did not want it to end, you have to really sit back and ask yourself why you want to be with someone who does not love you? Why would you want to live your life with someone who does not mind hurting you, when in reality there is someone else out there waiting and willing to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Yes we all hope that our first will be our last but when things do not work out that way, you need to pick up the pieces and move on. The quicker you are able to do this the better but still, give yourself time to heal because you do not want to bring the pain that may be associated with a separation into a new relationship.
I know a single man who married a woman with 3 kids, they went on to have two more. All the kids now bear his name and they have been together for almost a decade. Having kids is also no reason to lose hope. A man or women who loves you will love what is yours. True love will never dictate what can or cannot come along with you. If you have kids and meet a man or woman who will not accept them wholeheartedly, then your search is not over. My point is, regardless of your situation, if you open yourself up to love again, you will find it and hopefully find true happiness.
Divorce Shame and Guilt Needs to End
This culture of divorce shaming needs to stop. Women and men who engage in it are the one who should hide their heads in shame for berating others because life happened to happen to them. I always say, before you speak negatively to or about another person because of their love life, remember, whomever you are with is flesh and blood and you can never vouch for flesh and blood 200%.
The person whose story you make fun of today may be your story tomorrow. Unless you are Nostradamus, and you can predict the future, it is wise to simply wish people in such situations well and keep it moving. If you are lucky enough to be in a wonderful union, count your blessings and be grateful for it. Do your best to keep your union while keeping your happiness and your partners happiness as priority. We only have one life to live, please spend it being happy and content.
This is one of the many reasons I decided to be a Relationship Coach and Inspirational Speaker. I know so many people who have broken down when all they needed was that assurance that everything will be ok. Divorce or Relationships ending is a very intricate topic that cannot be covered in just one post. From time to time, I will write more about the causes and effects and how to deal with different aspects of it. I hope this post has helped somebody realize there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and how we come out of our struggles matter.
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