Marital issues are not peculiar to a certain race or ethnicity. It can happen to anybody at anytime. In any relationships, when two people come together in mutual agreement, one person can choose to break that agreement. It could be business or personal. Once you are not the only one involved, you can never fully predict the outcome. We can only hope and pray and work towards making sure we choose the right partner and years do not change them or you. When you find yourself in a situation where the other party chooses to break the agreement, what do you do? Well, the simple answer is, you stay strong and forge ahead. Another persons action should not define you neither should it break you.
If you are going through such problems, consider them your time of trial, when you will be tested over and over again and it is left to you to pass the test. It is imperative to understand that, how you pass the test really matters because this can affect how you view life generally. One thing I have noted about having marital issues is that a lot of people see it as a weakness. Yes it happens everyday, but because it can be a painful experience, some will see it as a topic they can take advantage of to taunt whomever is going through it.
We are all guilty of poking fun at different topics – hey I have never liked Donald Trumps Wig – lol…. but there are certain topics like a broken marriage that people know will hurt like a knife through your soul if they pick on it. If you have ever had relationship problems and people know, take note that, at the first instance of a fight, this is the first card they play. Why you ask? Well aside from the heart of man being wicked, it is part of some peoples DNA to drive home their point using the meanest means possible. Most of the time, they do not know your story nor do they care. Expressing the ultimate wickedness that resides in their heart is all they want to fulfill, so most times, their perceptions of you and your situation are distorted to suit their need.
Such is the case with a certain 40 yr old, mother of 5, Nnenda Omereji (@drealnnenda). See, the problem with people like her is they like to prey on the weak. She felt I was weak, and she came for me. She felt using my past issues against me was a sure way to get at me. It is like bringing a gun to a fist fight. If I was someone else, she may have won. Now here is where she missed it. I have had 5 years to heal, learn, decipher and GROW. The most important of all those being the healing process. I can sit here comfortably and discuss marital issues because I did not let mine define me. I chose to take the hurt and the pain and channel it into positive energy and help others going through the same. I have spent a lot of my time, privately councelling ladies who felt they could not go on. I have seen what such hurt can do to some and I fully understand that we are not built the same. In terms of my past relationship – I am now comfortable with the outcome- I now feel no emotion at all about it but that did not come easy. I had to face my trials on a public stage and people like Ms. Omereji made the learning process faster. My issues with my ex had been used against me so many times I have lost count. lol. Now, it is simply comical. When someone brings it up, my instantanious reaction can be defined with the picture below – lol
Ok! Jokes apart.. lol… I will admit at some point, it was my weakness but it happened almost 5 years ago and I have grown from it, learned from it and moved on. It is no longer my weakness because in it I have drawn strength. Back then, statements like the one Ms. Omereji made, most especially when it came from women like myself, would send shivers through my body and bring back so much pain I would watch in silence, biting my lip so I don’t respond, fighting the urge to reply and asking God to take away the feeling of regret. Back then, it was even more painful because I felt I did the right thing – I loved hopelessly – and I still believe to some extent, that is what it should be. Love your spouse like you have never loved before. If I decide to get married again, I will still do just that – I will love my spouse with all my being and that is because I have chosen not to let my past define love for me. I believed in my mate and I was let down, but I did not let the experience keep me down. You see, being let down by a man or woman is not new. It has been happening for decades and as long as there is human nature, it will continue to happen. I will not be the first, and I will surely not be the last.
Like I said, people like her who taunted me for years made me so strong I became immune to it. Now I can laugh, crack jokes, shade them back without feeling any emotion about the topic. but it took a lot – and I mean a whooooole LOT… One thing I am grateful for is that God chose to give me unimaginable strength. I am not sure why I deserved such grace from him but he chose to give it to me and I am forever grateful. If not for that strength, I am not sure how I would have survived. I never broke down, I forged ahead. I am not perfect, but then again who is? I always say I am an Aries and proudly so – we are passionate people- that I refuse to change.
You see, the problem with people like Ms Omereji is bigger than just me. There is an Omereji lurking among us. People who wait for the bad so they can rub it in your face. Because I found strength does not mean every other woman will do so easily. Maybe her attack was meant to serve a purpose, because I may not have done this post. One pure fact is that this situation is not peculiar to me and like I said it can happen to anyone at anytime so playing Nostradamus about topics as delicate as that isn’t too wise. In my poem Let the headline scream I said “Nobody is immune, it could have been you.”. This is the plain and simple truth about life. I am sure as I type this there is someone out there crying and in pain because her marriage is either about to end or just ended. To this person I say hold on and hold on tight to what defines you. Your dignity, your grace and your character.
Never let anyone taunt you into submitting to your hurt. If you have done the right things, and tried your best to save your home, believe me when I say, a broken marriage does not make you a failure. You have absoutely NOTHING to be ashamed about. If anything, it makes you wiser than someone who has never experienced what it feels like. It also gives you the chance at a new beginning where you can bring what you have learned to the table.
A few years back I wouldn’t even have the guts to say all I am saying now publicly because of fear of being taunted. A few years on, I have learned that I should never let the opinions of others define me. Imagine if I had submitted to the hurt? Would I be here telling you this today? the answer is NO!. Today I can talk about it freely because I am no longer moved. It is a closed chapter in my life that I can use to help others. If a few heartless ones choose to use it to sip tea – that is not my problem. If you are experiencing the same, it should not be your problem either. I left my relationship with clean hands and in that I have peace. I believe in the importance of always doing right by those you have vowed to love – because God forbid, if Sh*t hits the fan, you will need a lot of that peace of dealing with one mind and on heart to pull through.
I know this has been a long read – my apologies – I can write for Africa – lol. The most important point I would like to make in this post is this, even if I am strong, the truth is not every woman is. Some women will go through marital issues and kill themselves, some women will go through marital issues and fall sick, some will even run mad, this shall not be mine or your portion. If you are a lady going through issues in your marriage or relationship, I bid you to please stay strong. No matter how long it rains, one day the sun will still shine.
Everything in life is about stages. Every hand is not dealt the same and neither is every finger equal. Some will stay married a lifetime, some will get it right the 2nd time, some will end after years and years. That is life and nothing is new under the sun. How you come out of your trials is what matters. Ignore the noisemakers and focus on you, most especially if you are at that stage where you are still hurting. If you are fully healed, feel free to give them a verbal Kung Fu kick -lol – its seldom worth it but hey, I gave it to Nnenda real good hehehe so it would be hypocritical of me to advise differently, because truth is – sometimes bullies do need to be gracefully put in their place.
Thanks for reading and like I always say, Peace be still in all our lives.